Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
