And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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