i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
