I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
