I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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