The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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