The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
