Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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