I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
