just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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