You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
