is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
