p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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