Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I wish there were birth control emojis
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
