Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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