No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
