my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
