In the future we'll all be gay
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
