I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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