Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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