I faked an abortion last night.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
