she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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