I wish they made helmets for livers.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
