shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You ate ashes out of my bong
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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