Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
