my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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