She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
