Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
