Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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