I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
