Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
