He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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