On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
