If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
