I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
