Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
