I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
