Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
