Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
