I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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