I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
