youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize
