You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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