My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
