too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
