Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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