i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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