FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
