I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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