i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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