i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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